Dear Cupcakes United,
People might say this is a conspiracy theory but I don’t think you got the memo. Your cousins, the Muffins, and the world in general, is quietly launching an overthrow. I care for you because you are the real deal, but you should so get in touch with your HR folks about a few identity theft issues and see how that scans. Here are just a couple of insidious patterns I noticed only because I trained with Jason Bourne and have superfly spy skills:
You are not a MUFFIN
Most ordinary people think you are muffins. How do you let that slide? This is the equivalent of confusing the Ganges with Parryware taps. You are CAKE! Those dudes are just wholewheat thingamajigs that coalesced with other stuff in random accidents to loosely look like you. Is there no regard for the 3X times sugar, the cream, the overloaded choco-chips and glazed frosting anymore? This is like saying there is no difference between my titanium-frosted unnecessary LVMH bag and a Pinterest bag made with T-shirt sleeves?
You are the ONLY RED VELVET around here
So they have started blurring the boundaries. God-awful healthy beets, baby spinach leaves, blueberries, cranberries, flaxseed, quinoa and ragi are prefixing with you. Hey, just let them in the muffins by the truckloads. What they call the extra-heavy, extra-loaded paleo muffin. Make it savoury, make it nutty, make it do the pole vault and that triathlon Milind Soman always runs. Don’t step over. Let’s double draw that line. You are squarely on the side of delicate, impossibly fluffy, light, glazed, sweet hell, fortified with nothing useful. Cupcakes are where food discipline goes to die.
And I have two words for all the dilution of cupcake-ness: RED VELVET CUPCAKE. Just try saying RED VELVET MUFFIN and feel the cells revolt.
You are also not a woman
Connoisseurs of cupcakes everywhere, just like you would like to have your identity back from muffin land, do put out there that womenkind are not cupcakes. And no, this is no feminist fire raging. Your ingredients are mainly whitey-white flour, zero-prefix white sugar, repeat sugar for the batter AND the frosting, creamy butter, buttery cream, creamy cheese, a Jupiter-sized supply of choco-chips, chocolate for absolutely no reason but why not, glazy whippy joy that keeps on giving. Last I checked and based on the latest Kangana Ranaut index, I think women are made of sugar and spice. That totally makes them imposter. You don’t relent to muffins, sure as hell should stand your ground with female humans. So yeah, next time anyone calls a woman a cupcake, they will know they are simply operating out of factually incorrect data.
Remember, cupcakes will inherit this earth.