You guys – with the insanely coincidental Nordic first names – Otis, ThyssenKrupp, Kone and others, do you know about this thing called The Elevator Pitch? This extreme sport is killing people!
What is the Elevator Pitch
The Elevator Pitch is “pitched” as a viagra for corporate performance and sometimes even unwittingly trolls itself as The Elevator TEST. The premise of this “test” is as asinine as its name. It is thus: “The next time you need to professionally evaluate someone, ask yourself, “How would I feel about being stuck inside an elevator with this person?”
Moot points here are a) the time you are stuck is finite, maybe even short, and b) this person is likely a stranger. Also, STUCK.
Benefits: Almost a Permanent Get-out-of-Jail-Free card at work
Everlasting boss points and success is guaranteed to the one who aces his/ her elevator pitch. The gates of heaven swing open and that pot of gold is found. This all starts in unsuspecting b-school class rooms and is cemented every time a senior office organism is sent for an exotic leadership makeover and must, must pay it forward. Every one on the team stands around an oval table, taking turns at this test, till they are ripe for other deafeningly senior organisms from other continents. The Elevator Pitch sounds like it is two faint pink lines and an angular stream of pee away from being a pregnancy test.
Been in an elevator lately?
There is just one problem. Have you ever BEEN in an elevator with a stranger??!! It is like being in the last 60 seconds of a Chris Nolan non-Batman movie (that spinning top from Inception still comes up in all my therapy sessions). Being in elevators with strangers turns your brain into gelatinous substrates instantly, albeit temporarily.
As it is, by the time the elevator has you plus one stranger, that is already one more than the permissible number of psychopaths and sociopaths. It is so awkward that most times, a dead body thunders into the elevator just to ease things up. It is so messed-up that it is meant to simulate Bruce Lee in the mirror room in “Enter the Dragon” because, as previously mentioned, high levels of psychopath/ sociopath lead to Kung Fu.
If eye contact is made, code red is issued and New Zealand automatically secedes to Russia. Going into small talk at this point is almost at the level of species-ending alien invasion, and if you listen closely, you can hear Navy Seals and/ or Elvis cranking into the elevator, right through the crack that dead body made getting in. The belaboured point here is DUDE, its bad enough trying to keep your eyes and arms from melding into elevator floors and walls. To expect someone to tell a stranger in two minutes why they should invest $2 billion in their miniature organic pogo sticks is just cruel. At least one psychopath will come through, most likely the one with less medication on that day.
No wonder people get killed in elevators. They start talking.
Medicated Introvert, usually taking the stairs